there was a wanderer who went from town to town trying to find the hole in his heart. he had forgotten what that missing piece looked like so he was unable to describe the piece to the townsmen. yet he could not live with the hollow feeling in his heart. it ate away at everything else. and he knew every day that he needed to fill it.
homesickness. will it never be filled?
i have a lot of dreams. a lot. i think a huge part of me is a ridiculous idealist. if you don’t believe me, look at my blog title… but the thing is, once reality hits me in the face, that idealism is crushed and instead of getting back up and squaring reality with idealism, i get discouraged. i need to learn to balance and understand that as hard as it is to get idealism to translate into something tangible, it’s not impossible. i think my interests are incredibly divided and i’ve been needing to focus these days. (i give myself pep talks sometimes: “you got this!”) and i understand that sometimes, it is the mundane boring things that get you ahead. focus takes an incredible amount of discipline and i must learn to wait and work through the daily little things in order get to where i want to go. you can’t save the world unless you go through the mundane…
surrender. i’m going to save money for something worthwhile.. for somewhere worthwhile. little by little..
note to self: yes. life can get you feeling all crappy and empty inside. but you are being refined like none other through such periods. and because of that you can laugh at life in the face. “you don’t phase me.” because god is pretty awesome and he’s got it all under control.
note to my lovely (two or three?) readers: pictures have nothing to do with this entry right here. mehee.
compromise is such a dangerous thing. we’re scared of losing what we want, what our hearts desire. yup i’m scared of losing it. everything that i’ve worked for and dreamed for. it’s like you cling to it at the expense of everything else. so what if one day, god takes it all away? would our faith still be intact? i thought about that today.. and it really made me wonder. the heart becomes so frugal when people are big and hence, god becomes tiny, insignificant, small. our natural human response seems to be…reluctance. just like moses when god told him he would lead israel out of slavery. he made the excuse: “i can’t speak eloquently” “they won’t believe me” until he ran out of excuses and said “okay never mind, i just don’t want to do it!” how many excuses do we make? how many do i make? my goodness…
i’m thinking “god, i can’t do that. i can’t change that person. i’m not strong enough for this.” as good as our intentions are, in the end, we simply don’t believe in god’s power. we have no hope in his power and the possibilities that exist when we let him use our small abilities and weaknesses to do absolutely tremendous things. how i’ve forgotten. i’ve really forgotten and come to a place where i think my own brains, my own strength, my own character, integrity, love, can sustain me. to walk blind in pride is such a dangerous thing. and a sad thing. because it makes you wonder how god could’ve used you. the amazing things he must be planning and wanting to unfold for his kingdom.
so yes, today i recommitted. and this is just the beginning but i’m determined to trust in YOU. even if i have to fight for that..i will. you are my only hope.
life is perfect without all the excess.. it’s good to have sunny saturday mornings without the time crunch, even without the coffee, sitting here with all the windows open and the breeze. to actually wake up every morning wanting to spend one-on-one time with god. and feeling refreshed after a prayer from the heart. it makes me thankful that the god of the universe listens to me and understands the fickle ways of myheart.
good friends are refreshing. and so is the occasional beer with my mother. that and baking something really good for someone. and having a random conversation about a favorite book and movie with a total stranger. all things that have happened this week..
beauty in simplicity no?
